Real Talk with God

    The following is a dramatized retelling of a prayer I prayed today. It started with a conversation about the weather, and began more more philosophical as time passed. I don't know what it is, but all of my conversations tend to get deeper and more intense as they drag on. Anyways, enjoy.

***

    Me: "Hey God, what's up? So I know I haven't really been in constant communication with you, and I'm sorry about that. I just get so busy, you know? It just sorta slips my mind..."

    God: "You know I've heard that one before literally trillions of times, right? But you know what, it's all forgiven. What'd you need?"

    Me: "What makes You think I need anything? I could just be trying to chat."

    God: "I've known all things since before time and space existed, remember?"

    Me: "Riiiiiiiiight...sorry. So, yeah, could You do something about that then?"

    God: "About what?"

    Me: "You know. You just said that You know!"

    God: "Yeah, but I like to hear you say it. What kind of a relationship would we have if you never ask Me for anything and just expect Me to make everything magically wonderful all the time? I'm an spaceless, timeless, all powerful, all knowing, unembodied consciousness, not you maid."

    Me: "Sorry, sorry. Well, it's just that it's really ridiculously hot and humid today, and I'm about to start a seven hour shift, and I see that there's some clouds up there, and I was wondering if You could make it rain until the evening so that I can stay cool."

    God: "I'll see what I can do."

    Me: "Thank you God! You truly are a loving and merciful Father."

    A few minutes later, it began to rain. It was still fairly hot outside, but the water was cool and refreshing to the touch. I smiled and went back to work, foolishly thinking I wouldn't be needing to talk with God anymore that day.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

    Me: "Hey God! What's Your problem? You stopped the rain, and now the sun is out from behind the clouds, and it's even hotter and more humid that before! It's so humid I'm going to have to take a shower to dry off! This is ridiculous!"

    God: "What's My problem? Excuse Me if I don't intervene in the weather schedule just because one person is going to have a more uncomfortable day than usual. There's hundreds of thousands of other humans experiencing the exact same weather as you right now, and your one of the whiniest one at the moment. Don't take it personally."

    Me: "Don't take it personally? If You have the power to change something, and You don't, that means You caused it!"

    God: "I'm not sure I follow your logic. Your sounding like an atheist, saying, 'If God exists, then he is responsible for all the pain and suffering in the world.' You know that there are starving children in Africa, right?"

    Me: "Yeah, obviously. But..."

    God: "Don't interrupt. You are capable of giving one of them all of the money you make at this job, right? Of course you are. There's lots of ways you could do that. You could save a dozen lives with the money you've made this month. But you don't, do you? Does that mean you're killing them?"

    Me: "No. You're right. I'm sorry."

    God: "All is forgiven. My plans are not your plans. My rain schedule may not be convenient or pleasing to you, but you're still my beloved child and things will work out."

    I took that to heart, and let that be an uplifting thought to motivate me. The motivation lasted about an hour. Then I started complaining again.

    Me: "God, come on! I know I have no right to ask You this, but could You pleeeeeeeeeeease lower the temperature just a tad? I'm dying out here!"

    God: "Go hard or go home."

    Me: "I'm serious! I thought You never gave anyone more than they can handle."

    God: "Who told you that?"

    Me: "People..."

    God: "Well, people are wrong. I've been known to, on occasion, let people fall into situations that they cannot hope to get a handle on. But through it all I remain with them, and I guide them out. I place people in their lives that help them through it. It's all to bring Me glory."

    Me: "You do sort of have a flair for the dramatic, don't You?"

    God: "It's just who I Am. And besides, you can totally handle a bit of humidity."

    Me: "I suppose. But again, and I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record here-"

    God: "It's fine. I've got all day."

    Me: "-what if I couldn't? What if the weather was so unbearably hot that I just passed out, right in the parking lot, and nobody found me, and I died? Wouldn't that be Your fault? I mean, I begged You to cool it down out there, and you didn't. That's the moral equivalent of standing over a man dying of thirst with a full water bottle, having him beg You for water, and not giving him any."

    God: "Okay, first off, you aren't going to die. Believe Me. I know things. Suck it up. Second, your analogy is flawed, because you have ready access to a drinking fountain. If you died out there in the parking lot it would be the moral equivalent of a Me standing over a man dying of thirst holding a full water bottle, but he is lying mere inches from a deep pool of clean, fresh water. I could give him water, but I don't have to. If he dies, it's his own stupid fault. 

    

    "See, people are always blaming Me for things that could have been avoided by them. Sure, I could have stopped them, but that doesn't mean I should have or needed to."

    Me: "But if You're truly a benevolent and loving creator, wouldn't you hate to see us suffering and stop it? Why not just stop evil all together?"

    God: "I intend to, but not yet. I know when that will happen, but not even Jesus himself knows. It's My little secret. If there is nothing wrong in the world, why would people need Me? They wouldn't need saving, and I love getting to save people. It's kind of a personal hobby of Mine."

    Me: "So basically You allow suffering to exist because you like saving people? So your like a super villain, who causes destruction just so he can swoop in and save people and feel like a hero? That's messed up."

    God: "That's insulting. Remember who you're talking to here. Remember, there's also the issue of free will. I gave Adam and Eve free will, just like everyone else, and the consequences of that are not to be altered. Am I happy about all the suffering and pain and death and destruction? No, of course not. I'm making the best of a bad situation here."

    Me: "Okay, I get that. But obviously there's stuff that you could make better without, you know, choosing how someone's life works out."

    God: "Now how do you know that? Do you have an eternal and transcendent view of all of history, from the great events to the hum-drum of each individual life? Can you instinctively comprehend how every single action made, both by man and by nature, throughout the history of the universe, effects every other person and object in the time-space continuum?"

    Me: "Well..."

    God: "I thought not. Now go push carts. You don't have the brainpower to dedicate to both doing physical activity and having theological debates with the Most High. You're far too exhausted for that!"

    Me: "Which I still think is Your fault."

    God: "You can think whatever you like, that doesn't make it true. Oh, and by the way, this would make for a decent blog post. You're always complaining about how you never feel inspired to write anything. I just placed a solid gold post concept straight into your cranium. I'll be wanting a royalty off of all the revenue it's sure to pull in. How does ten percent sound?"

    Me: "Yeah, I love You too. There's no need to be sarcastic with me."

    God: "Go push carts."

True Story

 
    I got home from work really late and it was a beautiful night, so I went into the backyard. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a small black box plopped right in front of me. Although it was steaming, it was cool to the touch. On it there was a screen and two buttons: one red, and one blue.

    Text flashed onto the screen. "Congratulations!" it said. "You are one of many random citizens of Earth from many different points in time to be selected for the opportunity of a life time! You may press one of the two buttons. The red will take you forward in time to a random destination, while the blue button will take you backwards in time to a random destination. Neither can..."

    Before it had a chance to finish it's instructions/warnings/blah blah blah's, I pressed both buttons simultaneously. I'm not sure why I did that. Curiosity, I suppose.

    Anyway, nothing happened for a few seconds, and then the machine started to shake. The words "TEMPORAL ERROR" started to flash across the screen, and the shaking grew stronger and stronger. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, the box disappeared.

    However, floating a few feet above the spot it had appeared, a swirling, whirling, glowing, pulsing, throbbing, spinning, roundish orb...thing. It seemed to make the opposite of noise. It almost absorbed it, in a way.

    Then I realized that it was the noise from around me that had stopped. The animals had ceased their mating calls. The wind had stopped blowing. The grass and trees had stopped growing. It was as if all of nature knew something was terribly wrong, and was waiting with me to see what would happen.

    I stared at the orb thing for what seemed like hours until I realized that it was - ever so slowly - expanding. It was widening in all directions, and it's point of origin was only a few dozen feet from my house! I had no idea what would happen when it made contact with anything solid. So I decided to wait and see.

    I watched as it crept outward, inching it's way through space. It was like a perfectly spherical balloon.After another expanse of time (I have no idea how long, we'll get to that), the edge of it came in contact with the ground. Immediately, the grass burst into flame and incinerated right before my eyes.

    I ran inside and looked at the clocks, but to my shock and horror, they were stuck at the same time as when I had pressed both buttons down and the mysterious cube had disappeared. I sat down in my kitchen at the counter and thought. Hard. I ran through all of my ideas in what was probably a few minutes. Most of them involved throwing various objects at the sphere to see if it did anything to slow it down.

    I went and tested my theories. I threw socks, plates, crayons, pennies, sticks, DVDs, paper airplanes, and even baking soda directly into the vortex of nothingness. They were all incarcerated. All except the baking soda. Well, that burned as well, but it burned green. Maybe one of you science types can make something of it.

    Anyways, long story short: I think I accidentally the entirety of space and time. If you have any ideas about what I should do, send them my way.

 

Free Hugs

    Tomorrow, at 3:30 IN THE MORNING, I arrive at the MPLS airport. My destination? San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo, the Alamo Dome, and this years Lutheran National Youth Gathering. Tens of thousands of kids from across the United States will gather in one city to worship, learn about God, and serve the community together. It's going to be fantastic.

    I attended the last Youth Gathering in New Orleans. I was a little freshman who didn't know the next thing about socializing with my peers. The vast crowds of other teenagers intimidated me. Everywhere I looked there was either some beautiful girl or some weird looking guy I didn't want to know or some adult that looked out of place amongst the throng of youngsters.

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It was like this, only with infinitely more hormones. 

    However, there was one stupid little trend that was happening that helped me come out of my shell and become the slightly more extroverted introvert that I am today. There were these guys with signs that said "Free Hugs." They were all over the place. Every day I'd see more and more of them.

    That's it. It wasn't some lesson by a famous speaker that inspired me to be more open to people. It wasn't some spiritual revelation, either. It was just these dudes with signs.

    I've always enjoyed a good hug, no matter who is giving it. For me, hugs are a way for people to say whatever I need to hear at the time, even if they have no idea that I am even struggling with something. Hugs are a universal way of saying, "I'm right here if you need me." Plus, they just feel really nice.

    I decided to make my own "Free Hugs" sign, because I lack originality and there were a lot of cute girls. That day, I got dozens of hugs from strangers from all walks of life. I quickly realized that this whole "interacting with strangers" thing wasn't nearly as horrifying as I had originally thought it might be. I didn't get as many hugs from cute girls as I had originally planned, but that selfish reasoning had fallen by the wayside. I was now in it for the feels. The feels you get when you make someone else feel happy. 

                                                            image: theturtlehairandprincess.com

"You aren't terrible, and I appreciate your existence."
"Aw! Thanks friend!"

    My cause did eventually become a contest between my female friend and I to see who could get the most hugs in a day. She won because she's a girl and guys are lame. However, I had decided that for the next Youth Gathering, things would be different. I would try to change people's lives in the way mine was changed during that wonderful week.

    Over the past few years I have obtained many close friends who like hugging nearly as much as I do. Most of my friends, male or female, have so much affection for one another that we don't care how stupid we look when we express it. My guy friends and I often start our conversations with, "I love you.", and it isn't awkward and no one goes, "Lol, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." It's just how we talk. We genuinely love each other. And we hug. All. The. Time.

    I really am blessed to have such wonderful friends, but some people don't have those kinds of supportive and caring relationships. Many people out there never, ever get hugged, and that makes me sad. Which is why I am making it my mission to go out of my way to hug people. I even made a t-shirt!

Front

Back

    Now, one of my friends raised a legitimate point. He told me that I'm not the first guy to come up with this idea of "Free Hugs". "No offense," he said, "but you know that girls find 'those' people to be annoying and creepy, and the real reason guys do that is because they just want to feel a girl..."

    Sadly, yes, there are a lot of those douchebags out there who only want hugs from cute girls. I already admitted that that is how I started out, and I totally feel embarrassed by it. And I realize that a lot of people will probably see me wearing the shirt and be put off by it. I'll get weird looks and raised chins, and many people will feel indignant towards me.

    And you know what? That's okay. If I make only ONE person's day?. I'll feel validated. If I change ONe person's life? It'll  be the best decision I ever made.

    If you really think about it, that's what Christians are called to do. We are called to share Christ's love no matter what people think of us. I will be surrounded on all sides by fellow Christians of the same denomination as me, and I'll still probably be looked down upon. Lutheran's, especially LCMS Lutherans, are not really known for their free-spiritedness.

    Now, this is where I ask you people out there to try my little love experiment. Whether you are on your way to the Youth Gathering, or are reading this after the fact, or, most likely, you are not involved with it whatsoever, I call on YOU to give a genuine hug today. And tomorrow. And forever.

    You don't need a nice little t-shirt to give hugs. Just do it. Do it because you care. Do it because you love people. Do it because hugs feel nice and everyone deserves to feel nice every once in awhile.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

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Ask Me Anything!

    Hello friends! I have been wondering exactly what I should do to keep this blog going. Not that I'm running out of ideas, per se, I simply want to keep it fresh. I don't want to just have a bunch of sequels and series occasionally parted by originality.

    So, after much deliberation, I decided that simply being more original was too much work.

    "What can I do to create both original content and content that people would actually want to read?" I asked myself.

    "But of course! CROWDSOURCING!" I enthusiastically responded.

                                                                                          image: socialmediatoday.com

Any one of them is more qualified than me for any number of things. All of them together would be almost too much competency for this blog to handle.

    Therefore, dear readers, I have decided to answer questions. Any questions. I'll split them into two groups: Multiple short responses in one post, and more deliberate and lengthy responses to a single question in one post.

    Basically, the fun, short, silly questions get grouped together and exterminated at once. The big, meaty, more serious questions will be taken apart piece by piece, one at a time.

    Send me questions on Facebook, or email, or in the comments of this post, and any questions posts that follow. You don't have to tell me if you want it to be anonymous, I'll keep all of them anonymous. Just for sanity's sake.

    Yeah. That's it. Please actually send me questions, even if they are silly. I will answer all of them, as long as they are appropriate, until such a time when I receive so many thousands upon thousands of urgent queries that I can simply no longer answer "What's the weather like?" or "Can you lick your elbow?"

    P.S.
    The weather is cold and wet, and no, I can not. Can you?

Random Confessions #2

    - I can totally believe it's not butter

    - My grad party is in two days, and other than clean my room a bit, I have done almost no preparing. My parents are amazing.

    - I think people that have watched more than one full season of Dr. Who and still do not like it either have bad taste in television or are part Dalek.

    - I have multiple unfinished or barely even started posts (Gaming Nostalgia Part 2, Apologetics Part 2, and many more) that I haven't finished because they are too hard. I have no idea when I shall finish them. IF you've been checking frequently to find any one post in particular, you can simmer down a bit...it could be awhile.

    - I used to be embarrassed by my last name, but I kind of like it now, because I realize that it makes other people uncomfortable that they find it funny, but are too polite to say anything about it. Hickey. HICKEY. HICKEEEEEY! Also, it's Irish, and Ireland is awesome.

    - I'm only writing this to procrastinate on the aforementioned difficult, unfinished posts.

    - I have a back-scratcher that looks like a tiger. I am using it right now. Be jealous.

    - I am terrible with money. I blame that partly on my generosity, and partly on how I was trained by games like Red Dead Redemption and Skyrim. In real life, I am not a badass cowboy or a nigh-unkillable demigod, and I do not get into fights with lawmen and bandits every few minutes, and therefore I do not have bodies to loot and make cash off of. I sometimes forget this, and blow a ton of money. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it.

    - If I ever meet the guy who does the Spotify ads in real life, I'm going to punch him in the face. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but still...ugh.

    - I have mowed the lawn barefoot multiple times. That's right, dad. And I still stand by my believe that it is no more dangerous with shoes on. I was tempted to write an entire rant on this the other day, and give it it's own post. I still might.

    - I've been known to walk on the left side of the stairs, even when other people are coming down. Sometimes things don't always go the way you want, and you just have to get out of the way.

    - I'm German and Irish and I hate the taste of beer.

    - I'm the one who let the dogs out.

    - We got rid of my sister's rabbit because nobody wanted to take care of it anymore. I'm not even remotely sad about it.

    - I once snorted an entire Pixie Stick - one of the long one - for five dollars. My nose bled for hours.

    - If you tell me you enjoy getting drunk or high, I automatically assume I'm a little bit smarter than you.

Random Confessions #1

    This is a thing I plan on doing semi-regularly now. Enjoy.

    - Whenever I hear someone say, "My friend lost their *insert person here*", referring to a death, I have to fight the urge to say, "Well I hope they find them again."

    - I had a crush on Emma Watson when Prisoner of Azkaban came out, and now every time I watch that movie I feel awkward because she looks so much younger. 

    - I convinced my cousin's three and four year old sons that dogs were cats, cats were dogs, red was blue, and blue was red. They were very confused for a few hours after that until she set them straight.

    - I should be studying right now. 

    - I hate bacon, cheesecake, and any yogurt or Jell-o with fruit chunks in them. Yet, somehow, I'm still overweight. 

    - I have, on multiple occasions, eaten an entire bag of Lays sour cream and onion potato chips in one night. Oh, that's how I'm still overweight. 

    - I think Call of Duty is an exceptional franchise, despite it's apparent lack of innovation. 

    - I still cry when I watch the end of The Return of the King.

    - I have a nearly crippling phobia of worms that developed my sophomore year while working on a project that required me to study and find pictures of various phyla of worms. I had never had a problem with them before then. I practically have a panic attack when I look at pictures of them.

    - I often eat cereal right out of the box for lunch instead of making myself lunch, and I'm not in any way ashamed of it.

    - I think most sports are kinda dumb.

    - I assume everyone who is anti-gun, pro-abortion, and pro-socialized healthcare is less intelligent than me. I'm aware that sounds arrogant, but I still think it's true. 

    - I failed my permit test twice before getting it right the third time. I blame my driving school, where all we did was listen to some old guy read to us from the MN State Driving Booklet for an hour, and watch videos from the 80's. 

    - I steal pencils all the time. I haven't used a single one of my own pencils in school since the beginning of my senior year. I never start with the intention of stealing them, but if I borrow them for awhile and people don't ask for them back, they're as good as mine.

    - If you would have asked me less than two years ago what I thought about blogging, I would have told you it's pretentious and lame. 

    - I still kinda think blogging is pretentious and lame. Except for the good ones.

A Pessimists View Some Annoying Cliches That Are Meant To Be Encouraging

    Recently, I was told by a friend that I can do anything if I believe in myself. I immediately felt the need to explain why that is complete BS. 

   "A schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur may believe with all his heart that he is Jesus and he can walk from one building to another on the air, but he will be no less dead than the depressed man who walked off the same building who believed with all his heart that there was nothing left for him in this world." - Me

                                                                                        image: www2.macleans.ca

I cannot recommend an attempt to walk between buildings on thin air, but if you do, please have someone record it. 

    You see? Instead of even making an effort to try and take the phrase for what it is - a somewhat silly but heartfelt attempt to lighten my spirits - I felt the need to deconstruct it. I did the same thing in my article about why the story of Beauty and the Beast isn't quite as beautiful as it's made out to be, and I do it pretty much constantly in my real life as well.

    Am I poorly adjusted to social interaction with normal people? Am I simply to much of a pessimist to ever enjoy the little things in life, doomed to be constantly judging and evaluating things at face value?

Probably.

But that kind of outlook makes for good satire, which is what I hope to deliver with this article. 

Behold! 

Obnoxious Cliches Overanalyzed With A Vengeance

    "Well, at least you have your health!"

    
    You're kind scraping the bottom of the barrel there, aren't you, buddy? You have no job, your family wants nothing to do with you, your dog was hit by a truck, your girlfriend left you, and to top it off, you just found out there's a movie that was rented by that same girlfriend using your credit card that is 7  months overdue, and you don't even have enough money to feed yourself, let alone pay off your debt to the Blockbuster down the street.

    I know the purpose of this phrase is to try and get somebody to look on the brighter side of life. What it's trying to say is, "Hey, things may look bad, but they could be much worse."

    What it usually sounds like to me is, "Hey, things are awful right now, but they will almost certainly get much worse. You know, because 70% of people will develop cancer in their lifetime, and you could always fall and break something, or get pinkeye or salmonela or the flu or any one of the hundreds of thousands of things that you are at risk of at any given moment. The human body is an incredibly complex and frail system of even smaller and more frail systems, any of which could suddenly decide to fail right now and throw your life into a cycle of pain and difficulty. But, you know, it's not nothing is wrong yet."

                                                                       Image: startswithabang.com

At least your not on fire. Remember that. Always remember that.

    A better phrase would be...
    "You only have your health until Mother Nature wants it back."

    "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."
    
    Thank you, Marine recruitment geniuses. Thanks to your stellar catch phrase, I have to listen to jocks and meatheads saying that every time I want to quit something I find physically exhausting.

    Do you know what pain really is? Pain is your bodies way of telling you that whatever you're doing, it's very very bad and you need to stop right now. Pain is neurons firing when something harmful happens to your body. According to Marine logic, next time you see a toddler about to touch a hot stove, you should tell them, "Go ahead. Place your hand on the burner. It'll make you hand stronger."

                                             Image: blog.peakadoodle.com

"Come on, you baby. You gotta want it! Push yourself to the extreme. You can do it!"

    I have the same problem with adrenaline junkies. Your body releases adrenaline when it is in danger. It helps you move faster, lift stronger, and think quicker. It keeps your heart rate up so that you can survive. I don't want to train my body to think that dangerous situations are enjoyable. Because their not. Adrenaline accompanies fear for a good reason. BECAUSE FEAR ALWAYS SIGNALS DANGER.

    Or at least it should. That's why I don't watch scary movies either. Not being easily scared is nothing to be proud of. It just means that you have worse situational awareness. Fear is our brains way of telling us that something is wrong, and you need to prepare to flee or fight.

    So no thank you, Marines. I'd rather live pain and fear free. It means I'm safe. And should the situation arise where I feel pain and fear, I'll be ready for it, because I haven't dulled my senses to those experiences.

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Or maybe I'm just a pansy trying to justify his fear. I guess we'll never know.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes the spirit tags along with it."

    
    "Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it." 
 
    What if they tell me that anyway? Should I beat 'em up? How do I stop them from saying that? How do I know if they're about to say that?

    So many questions...
 
    A better phrase would be...
    "Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it, because they're probably right, and that's the last thing you need to hear right now."

    
    "We're all in this together."
    
    Ah, crap. I hate group projects. You guys are probably just going to slow me down.

    Honestly, though, when people say "We're all in this together", we usually aren't all in it together. Some people can leave it when they want. Others don't even want to be there in it in the first place. Others are never really are in it, but they like to pretend they are to make themselves look altruistic or something.

    Some things people have to just suffer alone. Their friends and family may lend support, but they are most certainly not in it. Only you can feel what you feel, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Collective suffering will not help you feel any better.

                                                              Image: memegenerator.net

    A better phrase would be...
    "We care for you, but this is your problem. You'd better figure it out quick, because we're tired of your whining." 

    
    "Keep your chin up."
 
    Why? This is supposed to mean be happy, essentially, but how does keeping your chin up equate to being happy? The phrase originated in America, during the early 1900's, and the full original saying is, "Keep your chin up. Don't take your troubles to bed with you - hang them on a chair with your trousers or drop them in a glass of water with your teeth."

    Even in it's original context it makes no sense! The rest of it I get. It's saying, "Don't take your troubles with you to the next day, for tomorrow has troubles of it's own." But the chin thing...ugh.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Keep your chins up. All three of them. Fatty."
    

    "Failure is one step closer to success."
    
    False. Failure is always a step back. Failure usually adds more steps to the process.

    I suppose that is not true. Thomas Edison tested thousands of materials before he found the one that worked as a filament for the light-bulb design he stole. However, I refuse to use Edison as an example for any sort of virtuous behavior, because he was a no good, dirty-rotten, scheming scumbag.

                                                                                 image: randombuzz.com

Well, you were never inspired, and you let other people do the sweating for you, so I think we can reasonably say that you, Mr. Edison, are no genius. But you are a dick.

    When you lose the race, the one where you were at your prime and had your best chance of winning, you are not one step closer to winning next time. You are demoralized, and that will effect your performance next time. You will be older next time, and probably slower.

    Plus, you lost. It was the biggest race of your life, and you FAILED. Sure, you came in a close second. Second place is just the first person to lose.

    A better phrase would be...
    "You failed. Suck it up and try again."

   "Losers are winners in the making."
    
    Unless they're just losers. And there are a lot of those in this world.

                                                                               Image: blogtown.portlandmercury.com

Look at that loser. No wonder he lost, he's such a loser. "Loooooserrrrrrr!"

    Some people perpetually lose. Either they're unlucky or they're unskilled, but for whatever reason, they just can't get it together. They should probably learn to get used to failure at some point, otherwise they will live very sad lives.

    It's possible to not be a winner and still have a fulfilling life. It is not possible, however, if you go through your whole life with way higher expectations than you should have. That is a formula for depression.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Pick an easier hobby."

    "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself."

    This is a fantastic quote. When Franky R. said this in his inaugural address, it made sense in context. He was attempting to give the nation hope. He was, basically, telling people, "Hey, if you stick together and suck it up, we've got nothing to worry about."

    Sure, taken literally it was just as dumb as all the other phrases I'm critiquing, so this next bit may be a bit hypocritical or paradoxical: I only hate this phrase when people who are not directly quoting FDR use it. Even though it doesn't technically make any more sense in that context, at least it sounded noble or whatever. 

    When I'm talking about why I'm too afraid to go on that roller coaster or try that high-ropes coarse or eat those ultra super spicy hot wings, and someone casually tosses out, "Come on, man. The only thing you've got to fear is fear itself", and they think they're all clever? That is not a good time to be around me. I get grumpy when people are ignorant in my presence.

    Obviously telling myself not to be afraid isn't going to do anything. The fear is a psychological result of a biological resistance to putting myself in dangerous situations, like heights that could kill me or spices that could hurt like heck (Seriously, why do people find extreme spices good? Food isn't supposed to be a challenge, it's supposed to taste good. Food that hurts isn't worth eating.)

   Besides, that's not even what the phrase is supposed to mean. It's supposed to represent a willingness to press on, despite fears of failure and defeat, and through determination and hard work, defeat all the things that they had originally feared. It is not meant to suggest that people's fears are misplaced, because what they should really be afraid of is the sensation of fear. That is a turd of a concept.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Why are you afraid of that? That's nothing to be afraid of."

 
    "It ain't over till it's over."

                                                                                                         image: knowyourmeme.memebase.com

    
    "x or die trying." 
    "I'm going to get that girl or die trying!" "I'm going to climb that mountain or die trying!" "I'm going to get an A on the test or die trying!"

    YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM DOING NON-DANGEROUS THINGS. Asking a girl out will not kill you, even though you may feel like you're dying on the inside when she says no. Don't risk it, bro. You're not going to die from taking a test unless you're deathly allergic to paper.

    Climbing a mountain may seem like a more valid use of this phrase, and to be fair many people have died climbing mountains. But thousands upon thousands more have not reached the summit of the mountain they were attempting to scale, and not died. They failed because they gave up. They failed because they knew they're limits and decided not to risk passing them.

                                                                                       image: Alexandre Buisse; www.luminous-landscapes.com
"On second though, I bet I could finish watching Lost in the time it would take to get halfway to the top. Yeah, I think I'll finish Lost. Lost is easier."

    Another mindnumbingly stupid phrase that goes along with this one is, "How do you know your limits, if you don't test them?" Imagine if people applied this to everything in life. The results would be horrifying.

    People would be eating themselves to death in order to find out how much food they can really eat in a day. Inversely, others would starve simply because they wanted to test how long they could go without food.

    Some would be speeding down the highway in order to test how fast they could really go before the cops decided to give chase. Others see just how many times they could run back and forth across the freeway before getting hit.

    We know our limits innately. If you think you are approaching your limit, then you are, because your limit is how far you can go before you realize that you've done something wrong or something might go bad.

     A better phrase would be...
    "Give up. At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like a bigger idiot."

    Well, that's it for now. I can't think of any other good ones, and my fingers kind of hurt from typing. I hope you either got enjoyment from reading these in a less-than-completely-serious manner, or you learned why a certain phrase that you overuse is obnoxious and makes people like me want to murder you. With love. 

    

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Beauty and the Beast: The Most Upsetting "Love" Story Ever Told

   
     My school recently put on a performance of Beauty and the Beast, in which I played the role of Cogsworth, the British clock person. I loved every second of it. In fact, I loved it so much, I was fighting through tears through the entire last show. As a senior in high school, the knowledge that it was my very last high school performance was hard to deal with. So, instead of accepting that it is over, and that it was a beautiful way to go out, and embracing the fond memories I have, I've decided to smear the entire story. 
    
    It's a coping tactic. I've found that insulting things that I love is a great way to hide from my feelings. You see, it creates an emotional gap that...well, never mind. Here are all the things about Beauty and the Beast that I find uncomfortable, dumb, or otherwise negative in any fashion. Because I am a sad, lonely man with post-performing arts depression.

    

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. It's not you, it's me.

   The messages in this movie are all wrong for children

    
    I talked a lot with my fellow cast members about this, and we came up with quite a few backwards and just outright immoral messages told in this story.

   

    1. It's o.k. to stay in an abusive relationship, on the off chance the other person might become less terrible 

    
    The Beast is abusive. There is no disputing that fact. In the first scene he is in with other characters, all of his servants show terror at the thought he might be upset with them. Why? It is not simply fear for their guest. No, even the young child, Chip, asks the question, "Should we hide, mama?" 

    This youngster truly realizes what the audience members tend not to completely grasp...they are all in danger. Meaning? The Beast will hurt them for disobeying him. Chip knows it, all the enchanted objects know it. Any psychiatrist who saw that kind of a reaction from a child when in the presence of one of their authority figures would assume abuse of some kind.

    
    Besides what he has done to his servants in the past, he is verbally and nearly physically abusive to Belle. When she first arrives, she sees her father for what she must assume is the last time, then is yelled at and ordered about. So now she's already traumatized. Simply yelling at her the way The Beast does would be considered verbal abuse, but consider her horrible circumstances. 

    He later threatens to drag her by her hair and even shoves her to the ground (in the movie he takes a swing at her, actually trying to strike her with his massive strength and razor sharp claws). That goes beyond being a bully. He not only feels the need to exert power over her, but for her to submit to him.

He is in no way attempting to be threatening right there. Not at all.

    Now, in that last situation, he is immediately guilty over what he did. Does that make it better? Not even kind of. However, Disney glosses over all that by telling little girls that big scary guys are really all soft and cuddly on the inside. 
    

    2. If someone tries to hurt you, if you kill them, everything gets better immediately

    
    This is a problem I have with a lot of movies, but right now I'm just picking on this specific Disney classic. Gaston invades the Beasts home and tries to murder him. That is bad. The Beast had every right to kill him in self defense. I have no problem with that message. 

    What I find unsettling is that Gaston dies, a bunch of villagers are presumably injured or even killed in the fight, along with many of the servants (Lets face it, one or two brooms were probably snapped in half during the scuffle, some cups got smashed, you know how it goes), but what do they do afterwards? They go get dressed up again and go dancing and singing and having a party. We aren't shown the aftermath of the violence. 

Nooooo...ooooone...dies like Gaston! Oh, too soon?

    Admittedly, there is no police force to report the incident to, as far as we can see, but wouldn't they have to do something? In the movie, Gaston falls into one of the conveniently placed crevices that always seem to be at the end of Disney movies. Now, no one has to go down and get his body, that's up to the townsfolk to do that, but still. Won't the townspeople be upset that the monster they thought was going to eat their children has killed their hero?            
    
    Sure, he's all Fabio-ish now, but this is France in the 17th or 18th century. For them, the logical conclusion is that he is a shape-shifting, child-eating, hero-murdering monster. The castle will probably either be under siege for a long time once the villagers flee and get reinforcements from their nearest feudal lord or whatever. 

    The only way I can see that the Beast will get away with this is he kills everyone, so that there is no one to go back and tell what happened. That will leave the town with no men to protect them or work their fields or raise their children. Yay?
    
    What I'm trying to get at is where there is death and violence, happy endings are not that easy. Sure, Belle maybe would have been able to convince the townsfolk to leave them be when she explains the whole story to them, but that scene is never showed. All the children see is Gaston being killed, the Beast being transformed, and then everything is happy. 
    

    3. It is possible to change someone in a weekend 

    
    Yes. The whole musical happens in about 3 days, starting from the first scene. At least the play version does. Belle's father leaves, ends up at the castle. Maybe the next day, probably the same day, Belle finds out and goes looking for him. Belle arrives at the castle, her father is sent away. 

Honestly, no one should be allowed in the woods. Ever. Just turn the village into The Village, you know what I mean?

    Let's assume it's been about a day and a half at this point. She sulks in her room for awhile, and the Beast shows up and threatens her. She then leaves her room, is served a "meal" in which she eats almost nothing. 

    Then she goes on a tour, goes to the west wing, gets physically abused, and runs away (finally). That same night she gets attacked by wolves, gets saved, and brings her savior back. She fixes him up, he does his best to win her over by giving her his library and then she asks him to dinner the next night (that night?). 

    They have dinner, dance, and then she leaves to find her father. She finds him that same night, brings him to town, then the townsfolk try to lock him up. She shows them The Beast, they go to kill him, that same night. There's a fight, Gaston dies, everyone lives happily ever after. Two, maybe three days, tops.
    
    What does Belle do to win The Beast's affections? Well, she's pretty. He falls in "love" with her from just seeing her, before she does anything other than yell at him. This spoiled brat of a man is suddenly transformed into a caring, sweet, and gentleman simply because she stops yelling at him and reads him a book.
    
    Girls: If a guy is a total prick all the time, and is suddenly super nice to you after you bat your eyelashes at him, then he hasn't changed. He's actually just putting on an act. Nobody changes that fast. It's impossible. Sorry.

Then again, how can you not fall in love with that face?

    

    4. Ugly mean people are ugly because they're mean, and if you fix their meanness, than they will be pretty again 

    
    As far as I know, guys care more about physical appearance in a partner than girls do. I'm not saying girls don't care about attractive guys (a quick trip to any teenage girls Pintrest will show you how wrong that is), but listen to me for a second. It is WAY more common to see a pretty or downright gorgeous girl with a fairly boring looking guy than it is to see a super handsome guy with some girl who is...meh. It isn't because guys are necessarily more shallow than girls, it's just that guys generally make more of an effort to get to know girls they deem attractive, meaning they will probably find an attractive girl with the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual requirements before one who is not as attractive. 

   
    Meaning what, exactly? I'm not trying to say it is completely unbelievable that a pretty girl would fall in love with the ugly guy. I just want to make that clear ahead of time. But that is not what happens in this story. 

    Belle falls in love with a creature, not the supermodel he turns into. And that is alright, because the message is supposed to be about inner beauty. Somehow she managed to make a violent maniac into a guy worth loving, and she would have been happy with him the way he was. That is the message they try to make.
    
    But then he goes from that incredibly ugly creature to...this.

Yes. This. What...what exactly is this? 

    I have been informed by many of my female friends that this handsome devil is not, in fact, handsome at all. Leaving me to conclude logically that he is simply the devil. But clearly the designers intended him to be handsome. SOME people think he's handsome. The point of him turning into a babe is supposed to be an allegory for inner beauty. Get it? Cause inside he's beautiful. Right? Hahaha...ha. 

    
    Wait, no! That's not how real life works! If you find someone has "inner beauty", that says nothing about their potential for being outwardly attractive. You could be the nicest person in the whole world. You could be courteous, a good listener, talented, and just in general likable and lovable, but if you don't do something to try and make yourself look decent, you aren't going to attract the opposite sex. 

    In general. That isn't always true. But realistically, Beast wouldn't have a chance. 

"I'm sorry, Beast. I've always seen you as more of...a really good friend." 

    5. Because someone is a prideful prick, they are evil. 

    
    Gaston would be a truly unfortunate individual to encounter. He honestly thinks he is the best because he is physically superior to everyone else. He values women based off of their attractiveness. He treats his sidekick like crap. He's ignorant and proud of it. 

    

   In what way does any of that make him worse than the Beast. He has pride issues. He rules through fear. He "falls in love" with Belle because she's a pretty girl, and sends the enchantress away because she was ugly. He treats his servants like crap. He never bothered learning to read, even though he obviously could have had one of his hundreds of servants teach him.

    What I'm trying to get at is that they both suck. Neither of them have personalities that repulse Belle. The reason Belle falls for the beast is because he saves her from the wolves right after he nearly assaulted her.

A big, strong male figure steps in to save the helpless female? Real progressive, Disney.

    So can you honestly tell me this story wouldn't have changed if Belle had just given Gaston a chance? Even if his priorities aren't in the right place, she obviously could have fixed him. If she could change the Beast in a few days from an immature, brutal monster into a self-sacrificing, gentle, and genuinely caring shemale...

I'm sorry. He looks like a woman with a really strong jawline. And a flat chest.

    ...then she can turn a guy who is actively pursuing a relationship with her before committing a felony into a loving husband. Apparently, just like Black Widow, her super powers are her looks. 

Also, guns. And Belle doesn't even need those! Why isn't she in The Avengers?

    Also, the whole plot to put her dad in the looney bin never would have happened. Instead of replacing her dad, she could have gone back to town, and returned to the castle with reinforcements. Gaston would get to look like a hero for saving her dad, and they'd live out their statistically short lives in their small French village. 

    So Gaston would get what he wants, and Belle wouldn't. Oh well. That's life. You can't always get what you want. 

    The one really sinister thing Gaston does is he plots to put her father in the Maison Des Lunes, the apparently horrible insane asylum, which is run by the evil Monsieur D'Arque, who's name alone would be enough to put him on an FBI watch-list.

    Anyway, the "evil" masters decide that if Belle turns down Gaston's proposal again, then they will put her father Maurice in the place for crazy people. How cruel and evil! They have no reason to believe that he is the slightest bit touched in the head! And even if he was, that asylum is no place for a delusional man.

    Actually, that's exactly the place for a delusional man.

6. Insane people are actually all nice, and we shouldn't treat them any different. 

    I know I just offended some people. That's ok. Let me explain.

    Maurice may or may not be slightly crazy...

It's really up in the air. 

    ...but either way, everyone in the town would be justified to think that he was. He's old. He's suffering after the loss of his wife. He thinks he's a genius, but more likely than not he's just creative and good with tools. Everyone already believes he's a little bit loopy.

    Then he actually goes off the deep end. He bursts into the pub late at night after being missing for a day or two, grabbing people and shouting in their faces. He goes on and on about a monster abducting his daughter. He continues to describe it in great deal, then says something about talking clocks. 

    If they had police, they would have called them up and had him spend a night in the local jail to see if he would sober up or detox, to see if that changed his story. If not, they would have placed him under psychiatric care, which in this context, unfortunately, is the Maison Des Lunes.

    Had Belle not come back, he would have inevitably ended up there at some point. All his symptoms pointed to some form of psychosis. He was experiencing what appeared to be hallucinations, obsessive behavior, and impairments in social cognition. Sadly, the things he was saying were true, and his lack of social graces would probably show in anyone who had lost their spouse were now afraid they might lose their only child.

    However tragic his circumstances, the townsfolk would have had no choice but to lock him up. For all they knew, his condition may have worsened and he might have become a danger to the townsfolk and their children. They couldn't risk having a madman on the loose. 

    The reason I take offense to Disney setting the scene this way is it makes it appear as if taking precautions in the presence of a psychotic person is mean. How do you know that they're not telling the truth? If a man with a knife, who is running around in his underwear screaming that he is the second coming of Jesus and wants you to come with him because he has to show you his spaceship, why not believe him? 

    Mental illness is a touchy subject, and I am by no means saying that all people with any form of it are  dangerous lunatics. I'm simply saying the subject should be treated with care, and that in the movie, the townsfolk had every reason to be worried for him and even possibly fear him. 

He comes for your soul.

Am I reading to much into this?

    Absolutely I am. Again, I love this story. It brings tears to my eyes even now when I think about all the good times I had while involved with the story. The characters are fun, the music is amazing, the love story is beautiful. On the surface. 

    Now, children only see the surface. They only see the fun characters, and not their dark sides. They love the music. Many truly believe that it is the greatest love story ever told. Now, as a reasoning adult I can peel back that first layer of shiny goodness and peer at the overall context of it. 

    Does this make me cynical and jaded? Possibly. Does it ruin all good stories for me forever? No. It can't. No amount of cold, clinical analyzation of this story will ever stop the flood of emotion that hits me every time I hear the song "Tale as Old as Time." No amount of sympathizing with Gaston will stop me from cheering for the Beast during the final fight. Never will my skepticism at the change of the Beasts heart stop me from empathizing with him when he lets Belle go. 

    I learned long ago that to enjoy a children's story, I must have the attitude of a child. I need to be able break my hardened heart and learn to enjoy the little things. I poke fun because I enjoy poking fun, I nitpick because I am a nitpicky person, but I love it. 

Besides, if these songs are going to be stuck in my head forever, I might as well enjoy them, right?