Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I Will Blog...To Save My Family!


    I was just told that if I don't blog something soon, someone would, "Cut out your tongue and disembowel your family."

    Um...does this count? Please???

    Joking!!! JOKING. PLEASE DON'T HIRE SOMEONE TO CUT OUT MY TONGUE AND DISEMBOWEL MY FAMILY. I WILL POST SOMETHING WORTHWHILE SOON. I PROMISE.

    While we wait, here is a terrifying cake.


    I actually can't tell you how much I love everyone who bothers to read this blog. I haven't had much inspiration lately, but I have many almost finished products lying around that just need some love and attention. One of them will be posted soon. 

    I say soon because it is non-committal and vague. I suppose by "soon" I really mean, "You won't have to wait many more days or weeks or months for me to post something. You most likely will not have to wait more than a week."

    Stay frosty.

    P.S.
    I love you.

     

Saturday, July 13, 2013

True Story

 
    I got home from work really late and it was a beautiful night, so I went into the backyard. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a small black box plopped right in front of me. Although it was steaming, it was cool to the touch. On it there was a screen and two buttons: one red, and one blue.

    Text flashed onto the screen. "Congratulations!" it said. "You are one of many random citizens of Earth from many different points in time to be selected for the opportunity of a life time! You may press one of the two buttons. The red will take you forward in time to a random destination, while the blue button will take you backwards in time to a random destination. Neither can..."

    Before it had a chance to finish it's instructions/warnings/blah blah blah's, I pressed both buttons simultaneously. I'm not sure why I did that. Curiosity, I suppose.

    Anyway, nothing happened for a few seconds, and then the machine started to shake. The words "TEMPORAL ERROR" started to flash across the screen, and the shaking grew stronger and stronger. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, the box disappeared.

    However, floating a few feet above the spot it had appeared, a swirling, whirling, glowing, pulsing, throbbing, spinning, roundish orb...thing. It seemed to make the opposite of noise. It almost absorbed it, in a way.

    Then I realized that it was the noise from around me that had stopped. The animals had ceased their mating calls. The wind had stopped blowing. The grass and trees had stopped growing. It was as if all of nature knew something was terribly wrong, and was waiting with me to see what would happen.

    I stared at the orb thing for what seemed like hours until I realized that it was - ever so slowly - expanding. It was widening in all directions, and it's point of origin was only a few dozen feet from my house! I had no idea what would happen when it made contact with anything solid. So I decided to wait and see.

    I watched as it crept outward, inching it's way through space. It was like a perfectly spherical balloon.After another expanse of time (I have no idea how long, we'll get to that), the edge of it came in contact with the ground. Immediately, the grass burst into flame and incinerated right before my eyes.

    I ran inside and looked at the clocks, but to my shock and horror, they were stuck at the same time as when I had pressed both buttons down and the mysterious cube had disappeared. I sat down in my kitchen at the counter and thought. Hard. I ran through all of my ideas in what was probably a few minutes. Most of them involved throwing various objects at the sphere to see if it did anything to slow it down.

    I went and tested my theories. I threw socks, plates, crayons, pennies, sticks, DVDs, paper airplanes, and even baking soda directly into the vortex of nothingness. They were all incarcerated. All except the baking soda. Well, that burned as well, but it burned green. Maybe one of you science types can make something of it.

    Anyways, long story short: I think I accidentally the entirety of space and time. If you have any ideas about what I should do, send them my way.