Friday, May 10, 2013

The Light That Conquers Darkness



    Why do we fear the dark? Are we afraid of dark things? No, it isn’t the color or form of darkness that is unsettling to us. It is what darkness represents that terrifies us. The Darkness is everything unknown.

    When something can be seen, it can be understood, it can be classified, it exists. But where there is Darkness, not just anything, but everything we don’t know is within. Every conceivable manifestation of evil that dare not reveal itself for fear of becoming known, and therefore losing it’s power. Every unspeakable future. Every mistake, every unconscious sin. Every demon, ghoul, ghost, or other monster is RIGHT THERE, waiting to take you, just out of sight.

    It’s just out of reach, but while you can’t see it, it can see you. And without the light, you are powerless to stop it.
                                                                 
* * *

    “Time for bed, sweetheart!” called The Mother from the stairwell. The Child did not look up from his game. He had been pulled too deeply into the haunting world within. The monsters were coming for his character, who had bravely stayed to fight them while his platoon escaped.

    “Aw, can’t I stay up, mommy?” Although The Child was in sixth grade, and by his reckoning far too old to be calling his mom “mommy”, he knew it helped portray him as endearing and innocent, and that usually played in his favor. “Just one more chapter! Pleeeeease?”

    The Mother considered it. She found it so touching when he called her mommy. It brought up memories of the years that had past by. Her little boy was growing up so fast.  At least he wasn't playing any of those dreadful games like that Grand Theft Auto that she'd heard about. “Alright, but don’t stay up too late, a turn the lights off when you come to bed.”

    No response. “Did you hear me?? she called.

    “Yeah, I will. Goodnight.” “Love you, sweetheart.” She returned to her room, Two hours and 3 lives later, The Child finished, mortified. He’d never been more terrified to turn a corner in all his life, and that fear kept returning over and over again. He'd never seen entrails before, and if he never did again, he'd be the happiest bot in the world.

    The monsters had done terrible things, and the game had ended the story without a satisfying conclusion. The hero ended it by saying something about how they would never escape, and how death finds everyone in the end. Then it had shown a dark corridor, zooming slowly in, and then a hulking shadow had flashed by in the darkness.

    And then it was just...over. The Child shuddered and turned off the console. He could imagine what it would be like to have one of the monsters come up behind him, to wrap it’s hands around his neck and squeeze...

    He spun around, terrified, and fell off the couch. The only light in the room was the tall, reading lamp, which spread long shadows across the room. He then realized that if he were to make it to his room alive, he’d need a strategy. Directly in front of him were the stairs, but the kitchen was to his right, and just past the stairs, the den, where The Father kept all the books. Everywhere else in the house was Dark. There was no light coming from the top of the stairs, meaning the upstairs hall lights were off as well.

    Every second he was in that Darkness was another second closer to those hands grasping his wrist and pulling, or those teeth burrowing themselves into his neck, or that tendril wrapping itself around his ankle and dragging him. Dragging him to the basement, where all evil resides, and slamming the door shut. Forever.

    “Oh please, don’t hurt me, please, please, please...” he whispered at The Darkness. It’s answer came in the form of abject nothingness, which The Child took to mean, “Your soul is as good as ours. We shall feast on you for eternity.” The Child began to cry. It was all too much for him to bear. It seemed like mere minutes ago he was talking to his mommy, and now he was sure he would never hear her voice again. If only he had gone to bed when she had told him, he wouldn’t be alone down here with The Darkness.

    She would have protected him, walking him to his room and tucking him in. There she would have prayed with him and kissed him on the forehead, and left his night light on for him...the night light! That was what he needed. It was his only chance.

    Getting there was the only problem. “Strategy, I need strategy.” he murmured to himself. He could most likely reach the light in the kitchen with a reasonable degree of safety. That way he would have a light to his back as he flicked the switch for the upstairs hall light. Once he illuminated the upstairs hall, he would turn off the kitchen light, leaving only the living room light. Once that was off, it would be a mad dash to the stairs. It was risky, but it was his only chance.

    He ran to the kitchen light, little feet pounding the hard wood floor. He turned on the light just as the shadow figure emerging from the cabinet stood to it’s feet. As the brilliance of the light illuminated the room, it shrunk back, retreating to it’s home underneath the sink. Feeling confident, he went towards the front door, where the light switch for the upstairs light sat in the wall next to the switch for the porch light.

    When he flicked on the light on the upper floor, and it’s brilliance cascaded down towards him. He glanced out the glass window on the door, and saw shadows moving across the lawn. He flicked the porch light, and they scattered across the street, where he could see eyes looking back at him with hatred.

    Another wave of fear hit him, and he decided it might be better to leave that light on after all. Now that he had upper defenses, it was time to do as his mother had asked, and turn off the lights. He slowly made his way towards the living room.

    The light seemed much less bright now. There was a small spot of Darkness in the far corner, underneath the end table of the adjacent couch. It seemed like The Darkness as encroaching upon the light from the lamp, reaching out and absorbing all the happiness and mirth that the light might bring.

    Just then, the kitchen light winked out. He whirled on the spot, staring into the blackness that moments ago had been safe and welcoming. What could have turned off the light? Whatever it was, it had come from the darkest corner of the universe to this house, for no other purpose than to feast on his flesh. In his mind, that was a fact.

    He turned and sprinted up the stairs, his entire being focused on one goal: reaching his room and the safety of his night light. He ran up the stairs on all fours, like a mad dog, kicking his legs out behind him blindly at whomever or whatever may have been there.

    His mother’s request that he turn out the lights was forgotten, and if he had remembered, he most likely would have raged at her for asking him to do something so dangerous. Against his better judgement, when he reached the top of the stairs, he turned and glanced back at The Darkness. It stared back at him, leering and licking it’s unseen lips.

    Then, to his abject horror, one of the shapes emerged from the gloom. It was a pale corpse, covered in the rot and rancid decay of one hundred thousand years. It was the monster from the game he had been playing! It had come to life to get him one last time!

    The abomination grinned up at him, revealing gleaming white tombstones, which ironically reflected light back up at him. The Child stared at this creature from The Darkness for what seemed like an eternity. He was so gripped by panic, he dared not even twitch for fear of being taken.

    This ghoul was a manifestation of the horror of every generation since the beginning of man. Just as the hero in his game had lamented, the boy knew all life inevitably led to death. The body would become nothing more than a grotesque shell, mocking that God which had made people in His image.

    In this moment, the boy started to question whether or not this apparition was real, or if perhaps he was in a nightmare, soon to be awoken by his father, who would gently shake him awake. He was just beginning to hope that this was not a reality when the spectre slowly raised one arm, and pointed it’s bony finger at him and spoke.

    It’s voice was like old wood, cracking from being bent out of shape by some never ending storm, yet it boomed out, and The Child was sure it would awaken his parents. “Flee. Run back to your room, with your lights and your covers. Sleep, if you can. But know this: while you cannot see us, we reign beneath you.

    "We never sleep, we only wait. You cannot escape us. We will devour you and all who live in the light. The universe is ever spiraling closer and closer to the eternal darkness of non-existence. WE SHALL RULE IN...”

    But it's message or horror fell on deaf ears, for the child was gone. When he reached his room, he slammed his door, flicked on his light, and lept into his bed. His room was instantly aglow, and he flung himself into his pillow and sighed with relief.

    After a time, he pulled himself together and began preparing himself for bed. While changing into his pajamas, he kept staring at the crack under his door, praying the hall light did not go out. It didn't. He left his room, surrounded by the fluorescence that came from the hall, bathroom, and bedroom bulbs. After brushing his teeth, he returned to his room, turned on his night light, and turned off the main light.

    His room was illuminated by a cheery orange glow. Satisfied that there were no shadows large enough to hide the monsters he had seen on the lower level, he crawled into bed. He knew he would never forget the horrors he had witnessed that night, but he knew they were, for now, over. The Darkness may be inherently evil, but it was easily vanquished.

    He rolled over, smiling. Suddenly, he was thrust into a murky blackness. He yelped and say up. What could this trickery possibly be? The dim aurora of his night light returned, but weaker. With horror, The Child remembered that the bulb was dying, like the one in the kitchen, and his father was planning on going out and getting new bulbs the next day. The dull illumination continued for a minute, before slowly fading to nothingness.

    The Child was once more frozen in terror. The enemy from below had penetrated his sanctuary, and he was powerless. He knew where they resided during the night: In the closet, under his bed, and outside the window. However, without the protection of his night light, the monsters and demons were free to enter his room at their leisure!

    He threw himself under his blanket, wishing them away. All around him, The Darkness silently bellowed in triumph. The stillness was deafening. Peeking from under his covers, he peered into the inky nothingness. The faint glow of the city shone through his window, offering just enough phosphorescence to make out the certain...things.

    His closet was now open, but nothing moved. The Beast from The Darkness could be anywhere. But the most unsettling sight, what seized him with trepidation, was his window. Ever so slowly it raised, as if by it’s own volition, creeping upwards in defiance of the natural laws of gravity.

    The Child crawled back under his sheets, praying fervently to God. He’d never done so before, not without some adult making him do it. But the only thing in the whole universe with more concentrated power than the fear of a child is the One who created that child. The Child prayed for deliverance, and he heard a voice whisper to him.

    “The lamp. Use the lamp.”

    The Child knew this to be folly. More likely than not, this was the voice of one of the things under his bed. If he were to extend any part of his body past the edge of his bed, he knew they would grab him and pull the rest of him off and under into their lair. No, that was a lost cause. Only he could stop them.

    The one fortress he had was his bed. He scrunched in his body tight, and pulled in the blanket around him, creating a practically air-tight space for him to hide. He hoped that The Darkness would not be strong enough to remove these sheets. If it was, then he would be laying there helpless, with no veil between him and the jaws of death.

    Again the voice came to him, “Trust me. Use your lamp. I will protect you.” While The Child knew this to be pointless, he could not stand the suspense. Once more he peaked over the top of his covers. From the end of his bed, something was peeking back. Even in the near pitch black of his room, he could still make out the pasty white skin and ghastly glow of that pasty, pearly plaque.

    The creature that had assaulted his eyes from the bottom of the stairs was now at the edge of his bed. It grabbed the edge of his sheet, and began to tug. Try as he might, he knew it was too strong. Inch by inch, his castle began to disappear around him.

    “The lamp! Turn it one now!” The voice called, clearer than ever. Moved by desperation, the child extended his arm across the abyss that separated the edge of his bed from his bedside table. In what seemed like slow motion, his hand reached over to the lamp. It was a touch-sensitive lamp, which could be activated by a brush of the fingers. Looking down, he saw more tentacles reach up from under the bed, grasping blindly for his arm.

    He closed his eyes and strained his fingers, groping blindly for the base of the lamp. Success! The Child’s hand made contact, and the room exploded into brilliance. The tentacles retreated, and the closet door slammed. The disgusting wretch at the end of his bed threw back it’s head and let loose a moan more haunting than any noise The Child had ever heard, or would likely ever hear again.

    Burned by the light from the lamp, the thing lept out the window, and it fell shut in it's wake with a loud thud. And just like that, his room was still. Peace washed over him, and he closed his eyes, finally accepting the soft embrace of sleep.
                                                               
    A few hours later, he awoke to a soft rapping on his door. The Father called out, “Time to get up. Get ready for school!” a pause. “Can I come in?”

    “Sure, dad, sure.” The Child sat up, rubbing his eyes. As The Father stepped in, The Child let out a yawn. His dad grinned and said, “Up and at ‘em, big man.”

    “Sorry dad, I had a bad dream last night.”

    His dad snorted. “Is that what that racket was all about? We heard the window shut really loud. Were you sleep walking again?” The Child looked away.

    “I don’t wanna talk about it.” He scanned the room. The window was shut, and so was the closet. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and planted his feet on the floor. Nothing grabbed his ankle. He looked up at his father. “I’m ok now.”

    “Good. But son, when you come upstairs, please don’t run. Your mother and I are trying to sleep, and it’s very loud. And remember to turn of the lights next time, alright? You keep leaving them on all the time, and then we have to replace them."

    The Child sighed, "Yeah, I will."

The End

Thursday, May 9, 2013

5 Things Atheists Do That Give Atheists A Bad Name (And Piss Me Off)

    Please, before you pass any judgement on what I say here, read my other article, "5 Things Christians Do That Annoy Non-Christians (And Me)." It will help clear things up a bit. 

    I wasn't going to going to even write this at first, but I realized that if I'm going to piss people off, I should piss off people from as many belief systems as possible. Next week I'll do "5 Things About Muslims That Make Me Think They're All Terrorists", followed by "5 Ways You Can Piss Off Mormons (In Public!)." 


                                                                              Image:  Spreadshirt.com
Also, something about Scientology and Hindus. Anything I missed?

    
     It then dawned on me that there are quite a few more things that annoy me about atheists than about Christians. Now, clearly I have a bias towards Christians, and I know way more Christians than atheists, but most of the atheists I know personally are just as kind and intelligent than many of my Christian friends. 
    
    Please try to remember, just as I was not implying in my last article that all Christians do those things, I am in no way saying that all atheists act in these ways either. 

    So, since most people just skip past these introduction parts anyway (I know I would), I'll get right to the heart of the issue: Things that atheists do that give other atheists a bad name, such as...

Number 5: "If Christians had their way, we'd be rounding up all the gays and putting them in concentration camps!"
    
    You may have heard of Pastor Charles L. Worley of North Carolina had to say about the homosexual community. Here's a video of him saying that we should put all the lesbians inside a giant fence, and all the "queers" in another. 

    By his logic, they would not be able to reproduce, and after awhile, they'd all die off! Oh happy day! Clearly, he believes that all the current lesbians and gays come from parents who are lesbian and gay, and have sex for no other reason than to pass on their homosexuality to the next generation. It's all part of the evil gay agenda. 
    
    You may have also heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, or WBC for short. You can visit their website here, but you probably don't want to. I did for all of one minute before I felt the urge to throw up. 


                                                                                          Image: Npr.org
Their PR guy killed himself after 3 days on the job.   

    Their slogan with which they gain the attention of the world is "God Hates Fags".  They believe America is doomed because it supports homosexuals. They picket military funerals because they believe that our soldiers died protecting a corrupt nation

    Yes, these guys are religious. No, they are not an example of what Christians are supposed to be like. Real Christians are loving and respectful, not hateful bigots. 

    "But Christians are usually the only ones apposed to gay marriage rights!" you might say. I suppose that's probably true, although I've never seen a poll to confirm or deny that fact. However, there's a crucial difference here that you have to understand.

    There is a difference between apposition and hatred. I appose gay mariage because I think the definition of marriage we have now works just fine, thank you very much. 

    However, I am not apposed to gay couples having the same legal status as a married straight couple. When it comes to taxes and property ownership and everything else, they should be treated the same. Just...don't call it marriage, because it isn't a marriage.

    If a large group of people wanted to change the definition of a kilogram from the mass of 1 cubic centimeter of water at 4 degrees Celsius to the mass of 1.25437 cubic centimeters of water at 5 degrees Celsius, we wouldn't throw out the International Prototype of the Kilogram and make a new one to accommodate  Nor would we even try to find a middle ground where everyone can have the same, slightly different kilogram.


                                            Photo: Wiki
Just look at the intolerance

    As far as Christians (and other proponents of one man, one woman marriages) are concerned, the definition of marriage that we have is as set in stone as the definition of the kilogram is set in 90% platinum and 10% iridium. There is no practical or moral basis for reworking the definition. 

    So please, atheists, don't try to get on your moral high horses because you support gay rights and those hateful Christians don't. We don't hate, we just disagree. If you consider everyone who disagrees to be a "hater", then you're probably a 12 year old who thinks he's a gangsta. Or you're an idiot. 

Number 4: "Atheists support science, Christians don't. Therefore, Atheists are intellectually superior and Christians are all small minded."

    Nope.

    Seriously, just...no. YOU would have to be incredibly small minded to think that. Which is why a personal hero of mine, Bill Nye, disappointed me so much last year when he said this in an interview with Big Think.



    Big Think is a website that, "is an evolving roadmap to the best thinking on the planet — the ideas that can help you think flexibly and act decisively in a multivariate world." Whatever that means. 

    Don't get me wrong, it's an incredibly interesting site. There are lots of topics that are great for discussion, and some really great ideas put out by celebrities and average folks. However, Bill is convinced that the United States's religious majority is holding us back in the realm of science. 

    "Denial of evolution is unique to the United States." Not true. In every country you will find a portion of the population that does not believe in evolution. 

    "Evolution is the fundamental idea in all of life science, in all of biology. It's like, it's very much analogous to trying to do geology without believing in tectonic plates." Also not true. There is much more solid evidence for the existence of tectonic plates, namely, that we see their actions every day all around the world. We can track them and predict their movements. 

    "Once in a while I get people that claim they don't believe in evolution. And my response generally is, 'Well, why not? Really, why not? Your world just becomes fantastically complicated when you don't believe in evolution." 

    Really? From what I know, intelligent design (notice I'm not a proponent of Creationism, and if you don't know the difference, you're not qualified to give your opinion on the matter until you do) has much less complicated (read: believable) answers to things like Irreducible Complexity and missing links in evolutionary ancestry.  


    He goes on, as an example of evolution, "Here are different stars that are just like our star, but at a different point in our life cycle. The idea of deep time, of this billions of years, explains so much of the world around us."


    First off, Bill, those concepts and evolution are in no way inextricably linked. The universe is billions of years old, as is the earth, but that in no way makes evolution feasible. The chances of even basic life forming after billions of years is still less than 1 in 10 to the 40,000th, which to contrast, the number of seconds in 30 billion years is 10 to the 18th seconds. 

                                                                       image: aviewfromtheright.com
"So that's, like, a lot of zeroes, right?"
"Right."

    Researcher and mathematician I. L. Cohen says, "Mathematically speaking, based on probability concepts, there is no possibility that Evolution was the mechanism that created the approximately 6,000,000 species of plants and animals we recognize today.”


    So you see, I'm not making this up, or blindly ignoring "facts" because I'm a Christian. There are plenty of Christians who believe in evolution. I would argue that it goes against what they believe about the nature of God, but they're still saved Christians. I don't not believe in evolution because of some religious expectation, I don't believe in it because I don't find it to make logical sense. 


    What I'm asking of atheists is that they don't try and act as though they have a monopoly on science. Science and religion are not mutually exclusive concepts. God is just as valid an explanation as anything else, as long as you don't presuppose Him to be the answer to whatever your searching for.


   So when you hear somebody say that the theory of Intelligent Design is not a legitimate theory, ask them why. If they say, "Because it assumes a God.", you'll know they have it backwards. According to their website, "The theory of intelligent design holds that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection."


    So there is no presupposition of God at all. Instead, after reviewing the evidence, those who adhere to intelligent design theory have come to the logical conclusion that certain features of the universe lend evidence to there being a creator, but not any one in particular. 


    The theory gives no preference to Christianity, or Islam, or Judaism, or any other belief system. It's just science. 



                                                                                    Image: getoffmyinter.net
Like this, but with more math. Probably. 

    One last Bill Nye quote, the one that really grinds my gears. "And I say to the grownups, if you want to deny evolution and live in your world that's completely inconsistent with everything we observe in the universe, that's fine, but don't make your kids do it, because we need them. We need scientifically literate voters and taxpayers for the future. We need engineers that can build stuff, solve problems."


    Ok...what? There is som much wrong in so few sentences. Here we go...


    1. I don't disbelieve in evolution because of what my parents told me. I rejected everything I'd been told, but came back to it after doing quite a bit of searching. 


    I refused to be an indoctrinated child, simply spouting whatever adults told me to spout. I was 15. Many Christian kids reach their rebellious stage and become atheist. My rebellious stage made my faith stronger and made me a more knowledgeable person. 

    2. Scientifically literate voters and taxpayers? We have millions of voters and taxpayers who are hardly even regular literate! They vote based off of skin color or political party or best commercial. They should be more worrisome than some people who disagree on with you on an obviously controversial theory that has ultimately has no bearing on who they will elect or if they pay their taxes on time.


    3. Engineering has nothing to do with evolution, dipstick. Do you honestly think that everyone who doen't believe in evolution assumes that everything around them is made by God Himself. That they are so severely indoctrinated that they incapable of learning completely unrelated concepts like how a fulcrum works or geometry or a thousand other things required for engineering that don't involve evolution. 


    Christians are not idiots. We know how the world works. What is different between us and atheists is that we have a different understanding of eternity and morality and the origin of the universe and a few other things. None of these will hamper the progress of the nation in any way, I promise you.



                                                                                 image: us.123rf.com
"Thank you Jesus, for sending your angels to lift my garage door into the air using angel magic. I pray that you keep me safe while driving as you always do, and that you continue to directly influence the wheels to move in the direction I indicate by rotating the steering wheel. That's another really cool trick. Amen"

Number 3: "Imagine no religion." or "All religions are the same."

                                                                      Image: atheistbillboards.com

    This. The levels of ignorance and intolerance displayed in this image are staggering. As if the institution of "religion" had anything to do with the tragedy that occurred here. What it should say is "Imagine No Islam" or "Imagine No Evil", because "religion" was not behind the deaths of thousands. 

    According to Merriam Webster, a "religion" is "A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices." These acts of terrorism were carried out by individuals who subscribed to a particular religious belief. Their particular religion was what inspired them to do it.

    That does not mean you can simply scoop up all religions and place them in the same basket as radical Islam though. It shows that religious beliefs can be corrupted and can be used for evil, but it says nothing about religion in general. 

    Because in fact, there is no "religion in general", because all religious beliefs are contradictory. That's why I always get a laugh out of the Universalist Church. I myself am an ordained Universalist minister. It takes only a few minutes. 

    The reason Universalism, specifically Unitarian Universalism, is so funny is because it  tries to reconcile completely irreconcilable beliefs, and makes them all seem equal. However, all religions cannot be true.

    Why? Because there can only be one truth. Whatever isn't the truth is false, it's as simple as that. And all religions claim to have the truth. So which is it? Do we follow the teachings of the Bible, or of the Koran? Are we really spirits that will one day become gods of our own little planet as the Mormons believe, or are we spirits who have forgotten we are spirits and need to use Scientology to remember who they really are?

                                                               Image: digitallife.gr
Or maybe you are a follower of Kifflom 

    Also, religious people have done way more good than harm. In fact, I'd go so far as to say religious institutions have done more good than harm. 

    I know, it's popular to be down on religion right now. Even among young Christians, it seems everyone is denouncing organized religion and they're all about having their own personal relationship with God. 

    What I don't get is why people think that any denomination or church building is bad. Instead of blaming any organization or any one belief system, people should blame those within the system for using it for evil. 

    Organizations cannot be evil. Groups cannot be evil. Evil comes from the people within them. Even the Taliban wasn't always evil. The Taliban started as a resistance group against the Russians when they invaded Afghanistan. However, evil people corrupted it, and now the entire system has become a tool of hate and disgusting morals.

    My guess is that most people who lash out at religion in general are people who were once in a religious system in which they were wronged. Maybe they didn't fully understand it, or they were used by someone in the system, so they blame religion. Or God. Because if someone who claims to follow Jesus turns out to be a liar or a scoundrel, that means that God is dead and life is ultimately meaningless. Right?

    Not all religions are the same, and no religion is inherently bad. They're just wrong. Some, like Islam, have evil worked into them. However, there are millions of peaceful Muslims, meaning that it's not Islam we should despise, but those who use Islam as an excuse for the evil they practice. 

    You see, there can only be one ultimate truth about the universe. And that is what religion comes down to: A search for truth. Just like atheism, actually. Which is why my number two is...

Number 2: "Atheism is not a religion! It's an absence of religion."

    I have heard people say, "Atheism means 'non-religion.'" This of course is nonsense.

    Let's break apart the word, shall we? The prefix "A", meaning "not" or "against", followed by the word "theism", meaning a belief in a god. So atheism is...the belief that a god does not exist. 

    Atheism is the religious belief that there is no higher power in the universe, and that we must order our lives in such a way so that we get what we want out of our short time in life. Kinda depressing, but I can see it. If you earnestly believe there is no higher power governing your life, you can live life however you want. 

    You could choose to life for your legacy, with the goal of having your name and life remembered by others long after you're gone. You could live your life simply trying to find as much enjoyment as possible, by studying what you find fascinating and participating in what you find exciting. These are all fine goals.

    You could also make your one goal in life to make sure that all other religions know how stupid they are being by believing what they believe, because you are one of the lucky few who have been granted the infinite wisdom and knowledge to comprehend what the small minded religious majority cannot: That life is ultimately meaningless and that eventually the universe will collapse in upon itself and then everything ends. 


                                                                                      Image: commons.wikimedia.org
Nothing cheers folks up quite like the thought that after a few decades of hard existence, it won't matter, because they'll be dead and they have no soul to carry on. That's what gets me through the day.

    Richard Dawkins, who is kinda the atheistic Gandhi, says that atheists should mock religious people with contempt, which, as we all know, is the greatest way to get people to agree with you. 

     This kind of militant atheism is exactly why I think atheism must be considered a religion. Remember, a religion does not necessarily involve a god in any way. A religion is "A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices." 

    Atheism is an institution dedicated to the social dismissal of all other religions, for what atheists believe would be the betterment of society. Most atheists don't have a problem with other people practicing their religions except for when it hampers progress, or what they see as progress.  

    Unfortunately, the atheist's version of progress, specifically social and scientific progress, often differs from that of a Christian. An atheist would see the legalization of gay marriage as progress, while a Christian (most of them, anyway) would not.  An atheist would see creationism and intelligent design theory being dismissed as progress, while a Christian most likely would not.

    This is the important part: We can have differences of opinion on these issues and still have progress. All it takes is some reasonable discussion, an open mind, and the ability to occasionally comprimise. We're not at war. We all want what is best for the world. 


                                                                                          Image: toddbigelow.photoshelter.com
Besides, trying to argue with these people would be about as conductive to your cause as trying to teach cows evolutionary theory.

    Whether you are an atheist or a person of faith, remember that the truth of what you believe is always up to debate. Truth is solid, there is always only one truth; however, interpretations of truth are malleable. 

Number 1: "Hitler Was a Christian."


    SO. It's gonna be one of those arguments, huh?

                                                                                                      image: rexwordpuzzle.blogspot.com
"Please. I can't...I mean, I don't...I mean...I just...no."

    If you're on the Internet enough, you've encountered Godwin's Law. You may not know, however, of the lesser known corollary of the law that states that if you resort to comparing anything to Hitler or the Nazi's, you automatically lose the debate.

    Don't go there. You'll let down your fellow atheists.

    In all seriousness though, this is ridiculous, unfounded, and low. Hitler used God's name to help ensure the respect of a mostly Christian people group. He most likely was not actually Christian in anything other than name. If he was, he was delusional as well as many other things, because no one in their right mind would think the Christian God would condone what he did.

    Pointing out the bad eggs who claimed to have practiced Christianity doesn't lend any credence to saying that Christianity itself is flawed in any way. Evil can be committed in the name of anyone or anything. Atheists hate it when it's pointed out that Stalin committed atrocities in the name of spreading the doctrine of the Communist party, which is as closely linked with atheism as people tend to think the Republican party is with Christianity.

    I guess trying to force this point is irrelevant anyway, because those that can see the irony of equating Hitler and Christianity while ignoring  Stalin and atheism, those are the folks who would never use this argument in the first place. Oh, and for the record? Hitler was not a Christian, even if he may have publicly used God's name to try and rally support. There's simply no evidence that he was.



    So please, if you're an atheist, try to use this advice to be civil around your Christian friends and family, because Lord knows thy are trying very hard to be civil around you.

    






    
     

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A Pessimists View Some Annoying Cliches That Are Meant To Be Encouraging


    Recently, I was told by a friend that I can do anything if I believe in myself. I immediately felt the need to explain why that is complete BS. 

   "A schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur may believe with all his heart that he is Jesus and he can walk from one building to another on the air, but he will be no less dead than the depressed man who walked off the same building who believed with all his heart that there was nothing left for him in this world." - Me

                                                                                        image: www2.macleans.ca
I cannot recommend an attempt to walk between buildings on thin air, but if you do, please have someone record it. 

    You see? Instead of even making an effort to try and take the phrase for what it is - a somewhat silly but heartfelt attempt to lighten my spirits - I felt the need to deconstruct it. I did the same thing in my article about why the story of Beauty and the Beast isn't quite as beautiful as it's made out to be, and I do it pretty much constantly in my real life as well.

    Am I poorly adjusted to social interaction with normal people? Am I simply to much of a pessimist to ever enjoy the little things in life, doomed to be constantly judging and evaluating things at face value?

Probably.

But that kind of outlook makes for good satire, which is what I hope to deliver with this article. 

Behold! 

Obnoxious Cliches Overanalyzed With A Vengeance

    "Well, at least you have your health!"
    
    You're kind scraping the bottom of the barrel there, aren't you, buddy? You have no job, your family wants nothing to do with you, your dog was hit by a truck, your girlfriend left you, and to top it off, you just found out there's a movie that was rented by that same girlfriend using your credit card that is 7  months overdue, and you don't even have enough money to feed yourself, let alone pay off your debt to the Blockbuster down the street.

    I know the purpose of this phrase is to try and get somebody to look on the brighter side of life. What it's trying to say is, "Hey, things may look bad, but they could be much worse."

    What it usually sounds like to me is, "Hey, things are awful right now, but they will almost certainly get much worse. You know, because 70% of people will develop cancer in their lifetime, and you could always fall and break something, or get pinkeye or salmonela or the flu or any one of the hundreds of thousands of things that you are at risk of at any given moment. The human body is an incredibly complex and frail system of even smaller and more frail systems, any of which could suddenly decide to fail right now and throw your life into a cycle of pain and difficulty. But, you know, it's not nothing is wrong yet."


                                                                       Image: startswithabang.com
At least your not on fire. Remember that. Always remember that.

    A better phrase would be...
    "You only have your health until Mother Nature wants it back."

    "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."
    
    Thank you, Marine recruitment geniuses. Thanks to your stellar catch phrase, I have to listen to jocks and meatheads saying that every time I want to quit something I find physically exhausting.

    Do you know what pain really is? Pain is your bodies way of telling you that whatever you're doing, it's very very bad and you need to stop right now. Pain is neurons firing when something harmful happens to your body. According to Marine logic, next time you see a toddler about to touch a hot stove, you should tell them, "Go ahead. Place your hand on the burner. It'll make you hand stronger."

                                             Image: blog.peakadoodle.com
"Come on, you baby. You gotta want it! Push yourself to the extreme. You can do it!"

    I have the same problem with adrenaline junkies. Your body releases adrenaline when it is in danger. It helps you move faster, lift stronger, and think quicker. It keeps your heart rate up so that you can survive. I don't want to train my body to think that dangerous situations are enjoyable. Because their not. Adrenaline accompanies fear for a good reason. BECAUSE FEAR ALWAYS SIGNALS DANGER.

    Or at least it should. That's why I don't watch scary movies either. Not being easily scared is nothing to be proud of. It just means that you have worse situational awareness. Fear is our brains way of telling us that something is wrong, and you need to prepare to flee or fight.

    So no thank you, Marines. I'd rather live pain and fear free. It means I'm safe. And should the situation arise where I feel pain and fear, I'll be ready for it, because I haven't dulled my senses to those experiences.

                                                                                              Image: mightyinspiration.wordpress.com
Or maybe I'm just a pansy trying to justify his fear. I guess we'll never know.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes the spirit tags along with it."
    
    "Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it." 
 
    What if they tell me that anyway? Should I beat 'em up? How do I stop them from saying that? How do I know if they're about to say that?

    So many questions...
 
    A better phrase would be...
    "Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it, because they're probably right, and that's the last thing you need to hear right now."
    
    "We're all in this together."
    
    Ah, crap. I hate group projects. You guys are probably just going to slow me down.

    Honestly, though, when people say "We're all in this together", we usually aren't all in it together. Some people can leave it when they want. Others don't even want to be there in it in the first place. Others are never really are in it, but they like to pretend they are to make themselves look altruistic or something.

    Some things people have to just suffer alone. Their friends and family may lend support, but they are most certainly not in it. Only you can feel what you feel, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Collective suffering will not help you feel any better.

                                                              Image: memegenerator.net

    A better phrase would be...
    "We care for you, but this is your problem. You'd better figure it out quick, because we're tired of your whining." 
    
    "Keep your chin up."
 
    Why? This is supposed to mean be happy, essentially, but how does keeping your chin up equate to being happy? The phrase originated in America, during the early 1900's, and the full original saying is, "Keep your chin up. Don't take your troubles to bed with you - hang them on a chair with your trousers or drop them in a glass of water with your teeth."

    Even in it's original context it makes no sense! The rest of it I get. It's saying, "Don't take your troubles with you to the next day, for tomorrow has troubles of it's own." But the chin thing...ugh.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Keep your chins up. All three of them. Fatty."
    
    "Failure is one step closer to success."
    
    False. Failure is always a step back. Failure usually adds more steps to the process.

    I suppose that is not true. Thomas Edison tested thousands of materials before he found the one that worked as a filament for the light-bulb design he stole. However, I refuse to use Edison as an example for any sort of virtuous behavior, because he was a no good, dirty-rotten, scheming scumbag.

                                                                                 image: randombuzz.com
Well, you were never inspired, and you let other people do the sweating for you, so I think we can reasonably say that you, Mr. Edison, are no genius. But you are a dick.

    When you lose the race, the one where you were at your prime and had your best chance of winning, you are not one step closer to winning next time. You are demoralized, and that will effect your performance next time. You will be older next time, and probably slower.

    Plus, you lost. It was the biggest race of your life, and you FAILED. Sure, you came in a close second. Second place is just the first person to lose.

    A better phrase would be...
    "You failed. Suck it up and try again."

   "Losers are winners in the making."
    
    Unless they're just losers. And there are a lot of those in this world.

                                                                               Image: blogtown.portlandmercury.com
Look at that loser. No wonder he lost, he's such a loser. "Loooooserrrrrrr!"

    Some people perpetually lose. Either they're unlucky or they're unskilled, but for whatever reason, they just can't get it together. They should probably learn to get used to failure at some point, otherwise they will live very sad lives.

    It's possible to not be a winner and still have a fulfilling life. It is not possible, however, if you go through your whole life with way higher expectations than you should have. That is a formula for depression.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Pick an easier hobby."

    "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself."

    This is a fantastic quote. When Franky R. said this in his inaugural address, it made sense in context. He was attempting to give the nation hope. He was, basically, telling people, "Hey, if you stick together and suck it up, we've got nothing to worry about."

    Sure, taken literally it was just as dumb as all the other phrases I'm critiquing, so this next bit may be a bit hypocritical or paradoxical: I only hate this phrase when people who are not directly quoting FDR use it. Even though it doesn't technically make any more sense in that context, at least it sounded noble or whatever. 

    When I'm talking about why I'm too afraid to go on that roller coaster or try that high-ropes coarse or eat those ultra super spicy hot wings, and someone casually tosses out, "Come on, man. The only thing you've got to fear is fear itself", and they think they're all clever? That is not a good time to be around me. I get grumpy when people are ignorant in my presence.

    Obviously telling myself not to be afraid isn't going to do anything. The fear is a psychological result of a biological resistance to putting myself in dangerous situations, like heights that could kill me or spices that could hurt like heck (Seriously, why do people find extreme spices good? Food isn't supposed to be a challenge, it's supposed to taste good. Food that hurts isn't worth eating.)

   Besides, that's not even what the phrase is supposed to mean. It's supposed to represent a willingness to press on, despite fears of failure and defeat, and through determination and hard work, defeat all the things that they had originally feared. It is not meant to suggest that people's fears are misplaced, because what they should really be afraid of is the sensation of fear. That is a turd of a concept.

    A better phrase would be...
    "Why are you afraid of that? That's nothing to be afraid of."

 
    "It ain't over till it's over."


                                                                                                         image: knowyourmeme.memebase.com
    
    "x or die trying." 
    "I'm going to get that girl or die trying!" "I'm going to climb that mountain or die trying!" "I'm going to get an A on the test or die trying!"

    YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE FROM DOING NON-DANGEROUS THINGS. Asking a girl out will not kill you, even though you may feel like you're dying on the inside when she says no. Don't risk it, bro. You're not going to die from taking a test unless you're deathly allergic to paper.

    Climbing a mountain may seem like a more valid use of this phrase, and to be fair many people have died climbing mountains. But thousands upon thousands more have not reached the summit of the mountain they were attempting to scale, and not died. They failed because they gave up. They failed because they knew they're limits and decided not to risk passing them.

                                                                                       image: Alexandre Buisse; www.luminous-landscapes.com
"On second though, I bet I could finish watching Lost in the time it would take to get halfway to the top. Yeah, I think I'll finish Lost. Lost is easier."

    Another mindnumbingly stupid phrase that goes along with this one is, "How do you know your limits, if you don't test them?" Imagine if people applied this to everything in life. The results would be horrifying.

    People would be eating themselves to death in order to find out how much food they can really eat in a day. Inversely, others would starve simply because they wanted to test how long they could go without food.

    Some would be speeding down the highway in order to test how fast they could really go before the cops decided to give chase. Others see just how many times they could run back and forth across the freeway before getting hit.

    We know our limits innately. If you think you are approaching your limit, then you are, because your limit is how far you can go before you realize that you've done something wrong or something might go bad.

     A better phrase would be...
    "Give up. At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like a bigger idiot."

    Well, that's it for now. I can't think of any other good ones, and my fingers kind of hurt from typing. I hope you either got enjoyment from reading these in a less-than-completely-serious manner, or you learned why a certain phrase that you overuse is obnoxious and makes people like me want to murder you. With love.