image: some girl on Tumblr
Protip: Try not to equate wisdom with being a whore.
For the women who read this article: Welcome to a special, inside view of how a guys mind works.
I imagine I think about relationships the way most guys with vaguely similar personalities do. Or, even if they don't think like me at all, they would definitely understand where I'm coming from...maybe. Well...no.
Okay, this is completely, 100% me. I won't try and validate my opinions by having the audacity to assume they are in any way popular amongst my gender. I guess I wish people agreed with me on this topic, but I have no idea if they do.
Now that I think about it, most guys probably haven't even thought about this stuff nearly as in depth as I have. They probably think it's kinda lame.
But it's my blog, so they can stuff it.
Why I Believe Relationships Are WAY More Difficult Than They Need To Be: A Rant
Whether you're a Christian or not, most people tend to live in the delusion that there is only ONE person in the entire world that they are destined to be with. For some, it is a crippling limitation in their search for their "soul mate". For others, it's an excuse to jump from relationship to relationship to, "Are you kidding me? I saw that you two were just Facebook official like, literally an hour ago. Get it together."
Why do we do this? Heck if I know. I'm not a sociologist. My best guess is it's because of the movies we see where the hero and heroine always end up together no matter what. It's like they've found some sort of a pattern that the viewing public always buys into...nah.
We see that the lead characters are meant to be together before they do, and then they get together, and we're all like, "Well, DUH. They were so obviously meant to be." We all wish for our lives to be a Nicholas Sparks movie, but without the tragic (read: canned) separation that is thrown in give the story some semblance of drama.
We see that the lead characters are meant to be together before they do, and then they get together, and we're all like, "Well, DUH. They were so obviously meant to be." We all wish for our lives to be a Nicholas Sparks movie, but without the tragic (read: canned) separation that is thrown in give the story some semblance of drama.
image: cdn.thegloss.com
But what does that mean, "meant to be"? Well, I'll look at it from the standpoint I know: The Christian one. Pretty much every Christian I know would say something about God making us for someone special. "God made somebody for you."
This may be true, technically, but it is dramatically oversimplifying the matter. God planned everything from the beginning. However, since we do not have a timeless perspective or eternity, for all intents and purposes this knowledge means nothing.
To us, there are millions of options, and we have to find one that we will eventually decide is the best match. We get no hints as to who it is God wants us to be with. Even if our search for love is being divinely influenced, only an incredibly lucky few get any obvious indication of it.
For the sake of practicality, it makes more sense to assume that God has a preference as to who you end up marrying, but if you marry someone you are completely incompatible with, He'll work around it. Now, let's take this assumption and run with it.
Most average people have a notion that they want to get married someday. It's just what people do. In cultures across the globe, marriage is practiced in various forms. Even if you're not religious, you probably want to get married just...because. The thought of having one person on whom you can always rely, with whom you can share everything, and someone you know you will have to love you forever is very appealing.
"So, what's this got to do with dating? I mean, it's just dating, right? It's just for fun, while we're young." Right. Because convincing yourself you're "in love" with a dozen guys, and forcing yourself to endure emotional trauma after emotional trauma is soooo much fun.
No! The purpose of dating, unless you're a clueless sop or a slut, is to find who you're going to marry, and then marry them. Sure, the first relationship is often times a practice run, and I can totally understand that. You need to find out what you like from the opposite sex in a relationship.
What I can't understand is when people get into a relationship, and let it get super serious, knowing full well that the person they are with has dated three other people that year and isn't planning on going to college anywhere near them, and doesn't agree with them politically or spiritually about anything, and on and on and on...
You're setting yourself up for failure! Why? And if you say, "Because he's really a sweet guy, he just needs the right girl.", then sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you had this break up coming from a mile away.
Never go into a dating relationship with someone you kinda like but hardly know, or with someone you know doesn't agree with you on issues that you deem incredibly important or anything like that. It's a waste of time for both of you. It will not work.
Again, there is absolutely no point in dating someone if you aren't completely committed to making it last. That's another reason why I hate when people, teenagers especially, use the, "It wasn't meant to be" excuse. They use it to justify a break-up that happened because of a disagreement that ended poorly.
Honestly, I think every single couple should have a fight, or at least a major disagreement of some kind before they can consider themselves in a serious relationship. Sadly, many people who were well suited for one another have broken up because they couldn't handle disagreeing with each other.
Really? That's your deal breaker? How immature do you have to be to expect that love is as easy as avoiding tough subjects when they come up? If you've been dating for a year and only now are realizing that your boyfriend wants to marry you, but doesn't want kids, and you do...that's messed up.
That should have come up awhile ago. When people get afraid of talking about marriage until way later in their relationship, then there could be a subject that will make or break the relationship that you are just avoiding, prolonging the inevitable collapse.
It may seem difficult, but discussing exactly what your views on dating, marriage, and life in general at the beginning of a relationship could save you from a ton of strife later on down the road.
Now, back to what I was originally complaining about. There isn't just one person out there waiting for you. That's like finding a needle in a stack of a million needles, where some needles look better than others, some are coated in poison, and others look small and shiny but are actually incredibly heavy kinda dull.
Not the best analogy, I know, but I tried. What I'm getting at here is that when we search for one perfect person, we are passing up a ton of viable candidates.
When attempting to find a potential lover, there are really two things to look for: Attraction and compatibility. That's it. There is no magic to it, and that should be relieving, not depressing. Love can be magical, but it doesn't have to be impossible.
Let's start with attraction. This should not be constricted to simply physical attraction. You can be attracted to someone's personality long before you even notice that they also happen to be kinda cute.
This sort of attraction is crucial. If you are dating somebody simply because you find them attractive, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but it's true. There's probably no future in that relationship. Although if you're the kind of person who dates someone because you think they're hot, you probably don't care that you are acting like a jerk.
To us, there are millions of options, and we have to find one that we will eventually decide is the best match. We get no hints as to who it is God wants us to be with. Even if our search for love is being divinely influenced, only an incredibly lucky few get any obvious indication of it.
For the sake of practicality, it makes more sense to assume that God has a preference as to who you end up marrying, but if you marry someone you are completely incompatible with, He'll work around it. Now, let's take this assumption and run with it.
Most average people have a notion that they want to get married someday. It's just what people do. In cultures across the globe, marriage is practiced in various forms. Even if you're not religious, you probably want to get married just...because. The thought of having one person on whom you can always rely, with whom you can share everything, and someone you know you will have to love you forever is very appealing.
image: twofootcreative.com
And for the rest of us, it's a chance to eat expensive food and get drunk at your (or rather, your parent's) expense, while trying to tell ourselves we aren't at all jealous of your happiness.
"So, what's this got to do with dating? I mean, it's just dating, right? It's just for fun, while we're young." Right. Because convincing yourself you're "in love" with a dozen guys, and forcing yourself to endure emotional trauma after emotional trauma is soooo much fun.
No! The purpose of dating, unless you're a clueless sop or a slut, is to find who you're going to marry, and then marry them. Sure, the first relationship is often times a practice run, and I can totally understand that. You need to find out what you like from the opposite sex in a relationship.
What I can't understand is when people get into a relationship, and let it get super serious, knowing full well that the person they are with has dated three other people that year and isn't planning on going to college anywhere near them, and doesn't agree with them politically or spiritually about anything, and on and on and on...
You're setting yourself up for failure! Why? And if you say, "Because he's really a sweet guy, he just needs the right girl.", then sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you had this break up coming from a mile away.
Never go into a dating relationship with someone you kinda like but hardly know, or with someone you know doesn't agree with you on issues that you deem incredibly important or anything like that. It's a waste of time for both of you. It will not work.
image: thelandscapeoflearning.com
If you have to use this on Facebook, not only is your relationship complicated, it's doomed.
Again, there is absolutely no point in dating someone if you aren't completely committed to making it last. That's another reason why I hate when people, teenagers especially, use the, "It wasn't meant to be" excuse. They use it to justify a break-up that happened because of a disagreement that ended poorly.
Honestly, I think every single couple should have a fight, or at least a major disagreement of some kind before they can consider themselves in a serious relationship. Sadly, many people who were well suited for one another have broken up because they couldn't handle disagreeing with each other.
Really? That's your deal breaker? How immature do you have to be to expect that love is as easy as avoiding tough subjects when they come up? If you've been dating for a year and only now are realizing that your boyfriend wants to marry you, but doesn't want kids, and you do...that's messed up.
That should have come up awhile ago. When people get afraid of talking about marriage until way later in their relationship, then there could be a subject that will make or break the relationship that you are just avoiding, prolonging the inevitable collapse.
It may seem difficult, but discussing exactly what your views on dating, marriage, and life in general at the beginning of a relationship could save you from a ton of strife later on down the road.
Now, back to what I was originally complaining about. There isn't just one person out there waiting for you. That's like finding a needle in a stack of a million needles, where some needles look better than others, some are coated in poison, and others look small and shiny but are actually incredibly heavy kinda dull.
Not the best analogy, I know, but I tried. What I'm getting at here is that when we search for one perfect person, we are passing up a ton of viable candidates.
When attempting to find a potential lover, there are really two things to look for: Attraction and compatibility. That's it. There is no magic to it, and that should be relieving, not depressing. Love can be magical, but it doesn't have to be impossible.
Let's start with attraction. This should not be constricted to simply physical attraction. You can be attracted to someone's personality long before you even notice that they also happen to be kinda cute.
This sort of attraction is crucial. If you are dating somebody simply because you find them attractive, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but it's true. There's probably no future in that relationship. Although if you're the kind of person who dates someone because you think they're hot, you probably don't care that you are acting like a jerk.
image: examiner.com
Whenever I hear a girl complain about a boy being shallow or mean, I assume the guy looks like this, and that he is mentally deficient in some way. Is that redundant?
Secondly, there's compatibility. You should be able to discover whether you and your potential bf or gf are even kind of compatible before you start dating, but if not, compatibility issues should become apparent fairly quickly.
You have a dog that you cherish as a family member, and they are not only allergic, but they also hate dogs? Incompatible.
They have plans to travel the world, and you would like to stay in one place and raise a family from one house? Incompatible.
You're religious and they're an atheist, and they occasionally make subtle mocking comments about your faith, and refuse to talk with you about it? Incompatible?
You're a decent human being, and they look like this?
Incompatible.
Here's the thing about compatibility, though: It can change. If you are a teenage girl dating an otherwise wonderful guy, but you want kids and he doesn't, I am in no way suggesting you throw him under the bus. You should carry on, and if things get serious, then revisit the issue. The weighty, life altering issues are important to discuss early on, but only in a hypothetical setting.
The reason you can disagree about something huge and still have hope for it working out is because love changes people. In a solid relationship, both people are willing to sacrifice for the other person. However, you know what you can and can't live without. You know what you need from your significant other, and you know what you are willing to give up for them.
That is why it is on you to make what you have work. You are surrounded by wonderful people of the opposite sex who would make a nearly 100% match down the road. The reason you don't see it is because right now they are only an 80% or maybe a bit more. You have to find a close fit, and then both of you have to work at it until you've sanded the rough parts. There are no perfect fits. Simple as that. Sorry.
"Alright Chris, that's sound advice. I mean, some of it sounds a tad extreme, but I know you occasionally speak hyperbolically. So what comes next? Isn't this good? Now that you know what has been going wrong, can't you fix it, if not globally, then at least amongst the people you know?"
Not a chance. I would love to put this theory into practice, to just go up to one of my female friends whom I find attractive and say, "Hey! We're pretty good friends, and I find you to be very beautiful, and I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me? There's no commitment here. It's not a proposal, and it's not confession of undying love. I just want to buy you a ticket to a movie, and have the two of us hang out together. I'd like to get to know you better, and if this goes further, than sweet, and if not, that's okay too."
That would be wonderful. If she agrees, than I know there's one thing I can add to the compatibility list: She's pragmatic. However, there's a factor that cannot be removed from the equation no matter how hard anyone tries. That factor is drama.
image: winchburghdramagroup.moonfruit.co.uk
No, not that kind of drama!
Drama ruins everything. Drama is unnecessary turmoil added to an already precarious situation. Even if I asked a girl out like that, and she said yes, drama would be caused because we would both have doubts.
For me it would be, "Okay, so what is she actually expecting out of this? Does she understand that if I decide not to go on another date with her, it's not a personal shot, I just decided we weren't compatible? Will she take it the wrong way? Is she doing this because she feels sorry for me? What if I mess this up? What if we date for awhile, but it gets really messy and ruins everything? Will that disprove my theory?
For her it will be, "What the hell did I just get myself into?"
I kid, I kid. Sorta. Anyway, I guess here is where I end the rant. I've expressed my frustrations, my proposed solutions, and my further frustrations at the fact that there will be no solution enacted.
I'm stuck with the system we're in, and it pisses me off. Anyway, ladies, I'm available, and as you've read, I will probably be the most transparent guy you'll ever meet, so...
