PREVIOUSLY ON COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST...
"What if this is the wrong decision? What if I'm overreacting because of all the emotions I'm experiencing right now, and all the changes I'm trying to make in my life, and I hit "Publish" and immediately feel the urge to keep blogging, and I post something else, and I look like an overly emotional idiot?"
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A little over a year ago, I quit this blog for good. Or, at least, I thought I did. I was SURE that it was the right thing to do. At the time, maybe it was. However, at the time I was also an overly emotional idiot.
Yes, Chris of 2013 did have a few good reasons for stepping down from this blog. It was kind of a cluttered mess. It had no clear direction. It consumed a lot of time for very little recognition. But I think the main reason I quit this blog with such melodramatic finality was because, at the time, I felt like that was how life was. All good things have to end, and if something has to end, it might as well be on my own terms. Right?
If that sounds like a depressing outlook, that's because it totally is. Sorry.
In late 2013, I was a mopey sap, and this blog allowed me to wallow in that. I was struggling with bouts of depression, and my future looked super unsure at the time. I'd come home and sit in front of my computer and listen to soothing but kinda sorrowful instrumental mood music and disappear into my own thoughts, only to regurgitate my own thoughts back onto my computer screen.
This blog was always open in a tab on my computer, because if things were getting too real for me, I wanted to be able to go somewhere that was distinctly not real. It's really hard to describe, but for numerous and various reasons, this blog brought me a comfort that I should have been getting from friends, or family, or, you know, GOD.
It was kinda pathetic.
So in a rare moment of clarity, I decided to expunge this whole website from my life. I wouldn't let it be a crutch. I was going to move on and not look back. As inspired as my actions may have seemed, they showed a lack of foresight. I couldn't have imagined that my feelings towards a thing at that specific point in time would not, in fact, remain the same for all eternity.
I didn't realize I might want this back.
The one really good reason for me to quit was that I needed this blog, and I realized it wasn't a good thing to need. It had become a life support. An idol. It was replacing a lot of stuff in my life, by being the place I went when I didn't want to actively confront the fact that I was not in the best place emotionally.
But that was never it's inherent purpose. It didn't have to be that, it just was, because what this blog really is is a reflection of who I am. It reflects what I've been thinking on, and how Chris of 2013 had been thinking he was in need of comfort, in need of purpose, and in need of direction.
If I'm to pick up Cookies for Breakfast again, it has to be something that is purely for self expression and personal enjoyment. If I ever let it become something I need to do, whatever that may look like, I'll need to back off again. This cannot become I place I go to for escape, but rather it should be a place I go to for leisure. Some people may see those as the same thing, but trust me, if you've ever had an unhealthy attachment to something similar to what I've tried to describe, you know they are not.
That being said, I'm going to make a promise, here and now, to never quit this blog again. Ever. I may take breaks, vacations, or sabbaticals. I may go through dry periods where I have nothing to post. My other blog, christhemissionary.blogspot.com, may start to take precedence as I move forward into whatever God has for me. I might see the warning signs of developing a dependence on this blog again and have to distance myself. I may not post for years at a time.
I'll never quit it again though, because that's too final. I don't want that finality anymore. Back then, it seemed poetic. It seemed kinder than the inevitable slow dissent into obscurity. It almost seemed heroic, like I was keeping it from ending up being something I'd have to blame for my downfall by letting it go on good terms.
I don't think like that anymore, though. I'm a much more hopeful person now. Or I at least hope I am.
There has been more personal growth for me emotionally over the past year than in any other year prior that I can recall. I've traveled the world, met many amazing new people, and developed a much deeper personal relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
As I write this, I'm still in a time of grief. I'm mourning the way of life I grew accustomed to as a missionary, and still figuring out how I fit back into the world I'm in now. In recent days there has been a lot of sadness and stress, and unlike last year, there's a lot of legitimate reasons to be sad all the time. Thing is, I'm not. Or at least, not nearly as much as I was last year.
This is because I'm so much more hopeful now. I see potential in things that I would have given up on a year ago. This blog has potential. Potential to be a fun and rewarding creative outlet for me to share the gobbledygook that is in my head with anyone interested.
Sure, Chris quit this blog for good in 2013. I acknowledge that and respect his decision to do so. However, Chris of 2014 is an extremely different person. Chris of 2013 swore to never touch this blog again, so Chris of 2014 will have to carry the torch from now on, hopefully to pass it to someone much more well suited for the job in the future. Someone who's name will probably be Chris.
Maybe I'm still being an overly emotional idiot. I could have just said, "Hey, I'm back, sorry for making it weird, I won't do that again" and then just continued as usual. It's not as if I have a huge following who were super upset when I quit and will now be conflicted as to how to react to my return.
I can live with being an overly emotional idiot though. I'm just better at admitting when I was wrong. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.
Huh.
Well.
This sure feels weird, doing this whole blogging thing again.
I wonder how I should end this post?
To be continued...indefinitely.
***
TL;DR version? I'm back, sorry for making it weird, I won't do that again.
